Old Man Yells At Robot

I found myself yelling at a robot today. For the nth time this month I had to call the internet company. As often happens, I knew I had an issue the robot couldn't handle and I knew I needed to speak to a fellow human.

I keep saying robot; I'm talking about a telephone customer service bot. I can say things to it and it's meant to understand and respond appropriately.  When I get on the phone with the bot, she says, "Hello, Nathan," in a tone that reminds me of the withering sarcasm of my high school friend, who has been expert at mocking and then dismissing me for about thirty years.

This was the second time I got on the phone with the bot and she spoke to me like that. "Hello, Nathan." It sounds very much like she is trying to sharply draw my attention to the impressive fact that she already knows my name.

I immediately ask to be connected to a person. I say something like, "Person."

She says, a little sadly, "Oh, I didn't quite catch that."

"Human being."

This time she hears me, and begins steering me deeper into the menu. What did I want to talk to a human about? Connectivity issues? Bill payment? Adding services?

What I wanted to talk to a human about was how the chat bot that contacted me earlier about getting the internet cable—which for six weeks has sprawled across my backyard, coiling once in the middle of a walkway, before jacking into the house—buried underground had some of its facts wrong. The chat bot believed I have a dog and a sprinkler system, which I do not. Two things which might complicate a cable burying job.

I tried to quickly explain. The bot got confused. I asked for a human. She told me I needed to tell her the topic. Connectivity issues? Bill payment? Adding services?

Next, I tried some things that had worked in getting through phone trees in the past. First, I hit the zero key a bazillion times, like I wanted "the operator." The bot ignored this, just kept trying to talk to me. Next, I told her a whole story, but slurred my words like I was a 73 year old hobo. At this point, past bots have given up and sent me to a person.

But she misheard me, deciding I had connectivity issues that we needed to troubleshoot.

"I understand that you're having difficulty with your connection. In a moment, I will reboot your router—"

"No! Nononononono! No, fuck, you stupid bot. Stop!"

She kept right on talking me through the procedure, but sometime after I had screamed STOP! at full volume ten or twelve times, the line clicked and and changed and I was dropped into the real person queue.

I spoke to a person and resolved the issue. I didn't say anything, but I wondered whether they listen to me freaking out on the line, sometimes, just for fun. I would.