COVID blues

I tested positive for the virus Thursday; Kim tested positive today. I’ve been isolating in my office. My symptoms have been fairly mild. We are all fully vaccinated and boosted, of course. I’ve been watching movies and shows, reading—and even writing. I got close to my weekly word count goal this week, even with the test hitting at the end of the week.

I hope to test out of isolation tomorrow; my symptoms started a little over a week ago.

It’s been strange, lonely, and also relaxing just sitting here and resting. I’ve spent far too much time on Twitter arguing with fuckholes. That can easily turn into a vocation and it’s so pointless, it actually kills brain cells and shortens your life. One of these days, I’m just going to finally quit Twitter.

I’ve been thinking about something one of my grad school professors said to me. I did a film project that caused conflict between me and members of the theater program, who were a part of it. And also with an insane property owner who had agreed to let me use his property. Shit happens. But I remember that, when the professor called me to her office to get my side of the story, I was irritated because I felt that a lot had been said about me unfairly, and I defended myself.

The prof, though, wasn’t too concerned with the complaints—she understood that sometimes shit happens. But she did seem to think I didn’t need to worry about defending myself either. “You seem to have an over-developed sense of justice,” she told me, meaning that it was less important than I might have thought for me to be right. Like, there are disagreements, it’s fine, let it go.

The comment has stuck with me for years. I’ve been thinking about it recently because I’m finally starting to realize it’s one of my defining traits. If I have something like undiagnosed ADHD or, at least, many of the symptoms of those who are so diagnosed, this is very likely one of them. Injustices are something that have been seen to be particularly vexing for people with ADHD; it has to do with emotional regulation and expression.

Now, “injustices” can be personal or they can be more more universal. I have always been sensitive to the feeling that people have misjudged me—misunderstood what I’ve said, for example—and have always felt the need to offer more explanation so I can be better understood. I find it almost never works in that way—I may be articulate in some ways, but I very rarely feel that I have been understood, no matter how much I explain my views.

But then there’s my self-righteous sense of social justice and belief that my own political positions make the most sense. This is why Twitter is damnable for people like me. It’s an injustice and grievance magnification and promotion program. I go on there and there is always available outrage—so it feeds both my need for the mental stimulation of fighting and my overdeveloped sense of justice. I can’t help but respond to the incredibly, eye-gouging-out stupidity on there, the lazy, self-justifying, illiberal hemorrhage of it all.

I think I do actually want to stop forever, just leave the cess pool. But, like an addict, I keep returning.

But if you’re stuck in isolation and angry, well, have at it!